Overview:
Silence can be a beneficial tool in relationships, allowing individuals to regroup and reconnect with themselves and God. It can also be a sign of a satisfying level of intimacy and connection, and a time for refreshing and regrouping. Despite the fear of silence, it can be a time of healing and wisdom. Embracing silence can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself and others, and can help in moving forward in life.
Is it possible to reach a point in a relationship when the best communication is silence? As a child, I used to get teased for talking too much. As a former radio broadcaster, I’ve had to break myself out of the habit of thinking that dead air (silence) is a bad thing. I’m rethinking the idea that silence is a bad thing. Lamentations 3:28 encourages “When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear….”
For example, when some get under stress, they get silent and retreat…. others talk out their stress. In relationships, men “go into their caves” according to author John Gray so they can work through those issues that most concern them. However, women don’t see the silence as good, but panic because it seems like silence is a sign of something wrong. Women interpret the silence and pulling away as the man losing interest. In actuality, it’s really a sign that he’s reached a satisfying level of intimacy and connection and is now ready to reestablish his independence. It seems like Dr. Phil-ish psycho babble but in these cases, silence can be a time for refreshing and regrouping.
Even Ecclesiastes 3:7 reminds us that there is “a time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence And a time to speak…”
Job is a biblical example of someone who struggled with silence. Silence was a sign that God was getting ready to move on his behalf. In frustration, Job lamented in Job 21:4, “It’s not you I’m complaining to—it’s God. Is it any wonder I’m getting fed up with his silence?” God eventually answered all of his questions…and restored his fortunes.
In times of silence, what do you do? I don’t mean when you’re mad at someone and give them the silent treatment. Do you embrace silence or fight the intimacy that it promises? When you fight silence, you fight sometimes against the thing that can best help you. For some of us, silence is where we do our best work. It’s in the quiet moments early in the morning or late at night that we feel the most creative. Silence isn’t about disconnecting; it’s about reconnecting to the true source of healing and wisdom. For many of us, we resist silence in our relationships with others and even with God. Silence can be scary because of what it may reveal about us and others.
Because of the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic, I learned to fight through the moments of silence because they made me panicky. Eventually, I embraced those moments…and used them to draw closer to God. It was a lot of work but these experiences taught me that silence can be a good thing….once we stop fighting it…and embrace it.
Shewanda Riley is a Fort Worth-based author of “Love Hangover: Moving from Pain to Purpose After a Relationship Ends” and “Writing to the Beat of God’s Heart: A Book of Prayers for Writers.” Email her at preservedbypurpose@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @shewanda.