Beyond Biology: Celebrating Mothers Who Rebuild Families from Loss and Tragedy

By Dr. Patrise Holden

Motherhood does not always arrive wrapped in a birth certificate or within the walls of a maternity ward. Sometimes, it shows up with a phone call in the middle of the night, through a tragic loss, or a moment of decision when a child is in need.

Stacey Brown, 57, remembers the exact moment her life changed.

“I met her when she was two weeks old.  This chunky, beautiful baby girl who smiled at me.  I loved her from the start,” Brown recalled.

She didn’t give birth to the infant, but from the moment she held her — baby Mikelle — Brown felt a bond that she instinctively knew would change her life forever.

As Mikelle’s birth mother struggled to care for six children, Brown, then a family friend, became the baby’s constant. 

When the young mother was tragically killed, a custody battle ignited. Though Brown had been raising Mikelle, she had no biological connection and was denied custody.

“It was devastating,” recounted Brown. “Mikelle was only 3 and didn’t know these people they wanted to send her to. She only knew me.”

It wasn’t until Mikelle ran away at 13, desperate to escape mistreatment and emotional abuse, that Brown was able to gain ground in securing emergency custody. She credits the nonprofit DC Kincare Alliance with providing critical resources and legal help.

“They didn’t just give me a list of lawyers or phone numbers. [Deputy Director] Stephanie [McClellan] said, ‘This might be rough, but we’re going to get through it.’ And we did.”

The mother and daughter celebrated their official adoption the day after Mikelle’s 18th birthday.

“After I lost her, she never used to smile. Now 19, she’s happy and thriving in college,” Brown said. “That’s the power of a mother’s love.”

The Heart of Kinship: Defining Relative Caregivers 

Brown is one of many mothers who have loved their children unequivocally and sacrificed for them, though they did not carry or give birth to them.

Like Brown, many non-biological moms start as relatives, godparents, family friends, or even neighbors who step in when birth parents are unable to care for their children due to hardship, incarceration, addiction, or death. These extraordinary women provide stability, love, and often legal custody to children in crisis, many times at the very moment the child’s life has been wrecked by tragedy.

Though the title varies from state to state, legal and advocacy nonprofit DC Kincare Alliance notes that in Washington, D.C., those who step up to help a child in need are referred to as relative caregivers.

The organization’s resource guide defines relative caregivers as “someone related to a child (by blood, marriage, or adoption) or a close family friend who is taking care of a child when the child’s parents cannot care for them.”

“These are women who are called on after tragic occurrences to rescue and rehome children,”  said Deputy Director of DC Kincare Alliance Stephanie McClellan. “And without hesitation, the response is always the same, ‘I’m on my way’.”

Through years serving as a family law attorney and guardian ad litem for children, Marla Spindel, executive director of DC Kincare Alliance, saw firsthand how the system overlooked relative caregivers. 

“The people stepping up, grandparents, older siblings, aunts, neighbors, were being treated like second-class citizens, and not the heroes who were saving these children,” she said.

In order to fight for the rights of children and families, Spindel founded the DC Volunteer Lawyers Project (DCVLP).  Then, alarmed that many caregivers with long-formed relationships faced tremendous barriers with no legal support, in 2017, she formed DC Kincare Alliance.

“We are still fighting for children, simply from another vantage point,” Spindel said.

Further, McClellan emphasized that it is often the most economically vulnerable women who answer the call to be mothers.

“Many of our clients are Black women east of the river, getting a call at midnight about a fatal shooting or overdose and a bereaved child in need of a home,” said McClellan. “I have seen firsthand that it is often indeed those who have the least who step up to serve those in need.”

Stepping In After Tragedy

Queen Poole, 32, public speaker and caregiving advocate, had no children when her sister died from kidney disease in 2022, leaving behind three grieving siblings, ages 6, 11, and 13.

“I was already caring for my aging father,” said Poole. “I truly had no clue of even where to start, bedding, child-friendly furniture, schools. But, I never doubted that this was what I was supposed to do.”

Poole credits her faith with making space for adoption in her heart.  However, that faith would quickly be tested.  Facing tremendous odds, a custody challenge immediately ensued.

“The youngest was ripped away at my sister’s funeral and handed to a grandmother she didn’t know,”  Poole recalled. “At my sister’s repast, a police officer told me there was a kidnapping report against me, and I had to surrender my niece. I looked that baby in her eyes and said, ‘I will be back for you.’” 

And she was. Within two months, Poole had fought to secure legal custody.

A proud “MomTee” – a mix of the words auntie and mom– Poole, now raising children ages 9, 15, and 16, remembers the beginning of her motherhood journey with laughter.  

“I wasn’t ready,” she recalled. “I didn’t even have beds.” 

Despite obstacles, she held strong to her faith and her determination to keep the children together to get through the trying transition.

“I remembered Isaiah 1:17: ‘Learn to do good; seek justice. Rescue the oppressed,” she said. “That verse was always in me, before I knew I’d have to live it.”

The Challenges Are Real, But So Are the Miracles

The tragic reality is that children who are not rescued by someone like Brown or Poole often face devastating outcomes. 

According to the Annie E. Casey Foundation, children in foster care are significantly more likely to experience homelessness, incarceration, or unemployment as adults. 

“One in five youth who age out of foster care at 18 will become instantly homeless,” the foundation reports.

Despite the rewards of rescuing children from foster care, being a mother by love comes with challenges that biological mothers may not face. 

The legal system is rarely on their side. 

“People think if you’re not the parent, you have no rights. But in D.C., what matters is standing,” said McClellan. “Anyone who’s had care or custody of a child, whether godparent, aunt, or neighbor, can have standing in court.”

For unconventional parents, organizations like DC Kincare Alliance become a lifeline, as navigating custody laws, state benefits, housing, school enrollment, or medical care can be overwhelming. 

“We don’t just connect people, we provide legal services, make warm hand-offs, and follow the whole journey,” said Spindel.

History Redefined

The effects of rescuing a child reach far past the child and into the very fabric of the community.  

“We get wholeness,” Poole related. “As African Americans, we know deeply what it is to have our families separated. Since our inception in this country, we’ve been separated. We carry that history.”

Despite ingrained trauma, Poole said Black people also possess deep strength.

“But we also carry resilience,” she said. “When we rescue children, we rebuild family and heritage that was shattered and snatched over centuries.”

While systemic challenges continue, Poole emphasized the importance of families working to stay together.  

“African Americans have borne the pain of broken families since our arrival in this country,” the momtee said. “Through creating families for children, what we’re doing now is building it back.”

The post Beyond Biology: Celebrating Mothers Who Rebuild Families from Loss and Tragedy appeared first on The Washington Informer.

The post Beyond Biology: Celebrating Mothers Who Rebuild Families from Loss and Tragedy appeared first on Word In Black.