Love on the Rocks: Identifying the Signs of Domestic Violence

By Aria Brent

Recognizing the early signs of domestic abuse can be confusing. The signs often start subtly, making it difficult to identify in the beginning stages, and the damage can take years to heal.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH), the effects of an abusive relationship can result in mental health decline, leading to depression and suicidal ideations and attempts.

“Survivors are two times more likely to develop symptoms of depression and three times more likely to develop a major depressive order,” reports NDVH. “Survivors are three times more likely to have suicidal thoughts and four times more likely to attempt suicide.”

Richa Vikharia, a mental health expert, helps survivors of domestic violence overcome the mental and emotional challenges of what they have experienced. She spoke with AFRO about some of the early signs of an abusive relationship and gave advice on how to recover from the mental trauma.

“It never really goes from all good to all bad really quickly. Usually, there are a lot of signs, even during the ‘good parts’ of a relationship,” said Vikharia. “If a person is going all in immediately, [saying things] like ‘You’re the love of my life’ on the third date or if they’re saying they want to marry– you without really knowing you–things like that are signs of someone who is probably going to engage in some sort of abusive behaviors towards you.”

Vikharia noted that taking the time to get to know a partner is vital as it helps one get a true understanding of what the relationship is going to be like. It allows you to figure out how to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

The abuse care expert further explained that most violent relationships happen in a cycle that often goes from good to tense to explosive.

“At first it’s really positive– a honeymoon phase.  Everything’s calm and then tensions start to build,” she explained. “When tension starts to build, you notice little things are ticking off your partner or you’re feeling on edge when you’re around them. And then as tension keeps building, it leads to an acute explosion and that’s when the violence happens.”

According to NDVH actions like discouraging a partner from spending time with friends and family, pressuring a partner to have sex or perform sexual acts their not comfortable with are all warning signs that a relationship could be abusive. Other signs include preventing a partner from making their own decisions about working or attending school.

Vikharia explained that these kinds of behaviors should be closely observed and noted that many of these gestures may come off as sweet or romantic– but they’re actually rooted in controlling someone.

“Look out for little signs in the tension building phase. That could include your partner telling you ‘Hey, I don’t like when you wear certain clothes,’ or ‘I don’t like when you wear makeup. You look so beautiful when you’re natural,’ because those are very subvert ways of controlling your  partner’s behavior,” she explained. “If you want to hang out with friends, and they’re saying ‘Well, I just want to spend a lot of time with you. I feel like we don’t get to spend time [together]. How about we go on a date instead?’ those are subtle tactics to isolate you as well.”

In December of 2023 online journal Social Psychology and Personality Science published a study conducted by researchers at the University of Western Ontario. The research included survey answers from 355 participants and resulted in a list of 16 early warning signs that can be used to predict abuse.

“We hypothesized that the number of warning signs experienced would predict overall abuse. Using the 16 previously identified warning signs, we created a standardized count variable representing the number of warning signs each participant experienced (95 percent of participants experienced at least one warning sign),” the report stated. “We used this to predict overall abuse in a linear regression and found a moderately sized effect.”

Some of the early warning signs that were predicted to lead to abuse according to the study are:

• You feel like you can’t say no to your partner
• Your partner reacts negatively when you say no to something they want
• Your partner criticizes you
• Your partner disregards your reasoning or logic when it doesn’t agree with theirs

Vikharia said mental and emotional abuse is often felt, but not always seen.

“With physical abuse there’s evidence. You see it happening to you. Meanwhile with mental abuse you don’t see anything physical happening, so it’s really easy to question whether it’s real,” she said. “Especially when the person that you’re with most of the time continuously is telling you ‘it’s not real. Your pain is not real. What is happening is not real.’”

With feelings like shame and guilt coming into play alongside fear and grief, many survivors find themselves lost in their emotions as they attempt to navigate their lives after an abusive experience.

“It’s something that can be a long process for some people, because the most immediate feelings I’ve seen come up are shame and inappropriate guilt. They feel shame for why they stayed with that person for so long,” she said. “The only person to blame in these situations is the abuser. A lot of people have nightmares, heightened anxiety and feelings of depression. And those are going to come because it’s not like it was only bad. The reason a lot of these people stay in these relationships is because there was a lot of good so you’re also losing the good parts of that relationship and some grief that comes with that.”

If you or someone you know is dealing with an abusive relationship visit thehotline.org for more information.

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