Preserved by Purpose: The Badge of Shame- The Childfree Aunt

“I like my freedom.   I like being able to get up and go and move and do what I want to do. I don’t want to have to tend to someone all the time.” Singer and actress Mary J. Blige made what some considered these controversial statements in 2022 about why she never had kids.   She added that she loved her nieces and nephews. It created a social media fire storm with some applauding her honesty while others accused her of being selfish.  

She was talking about what so many women like me actually deal with which is how do you manage through all of the expectations that come your way when you are a woman and you don’t have kids.  Even more so, what happens when you are an aunt that willingly loves the children of others when you have none of your own?

I’ve even had this conversation with some uncles who are childfree who seem to be praised for not having children.   But for women, where the expectation is that you are going to be a nurturer, you’re going to be connected to a husband or to a child, there’s an attitude that there is something wrong with you if you don’t have kids. 

For some of us that are childfree aunts, we have to manage a lot of different emotions including feeling devalued and ignored yet applauded for being good aunts.   You have to manage all of those different emotions when you are dealing with what I’ve called “a badge of shame” for not having children. 

So how could I then be a good aunt to my nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews if I’ve never had a child?   The ability to love, nurture, encourage and empower can happen whether you have given birth to children or not, right?  One friend who is also childfree said that someone told her that she wasn’t a real woman because she did not have children.  She was stunned that someone would actually say that you’re not a real woman until you have kids.  What about all these other women who don’t have kids? Does this mean that they’ve never blossomed and stepped into their full womanhood?   It is hurtful to say something as ignorant as that as well as to imply that you don’t have the same value as a woman because you haven’t had children. 

On some days you love your nieces and nephews, but you may also have a longing for your own. Or you may have simply have a longing to be appreciated for the time, the treasure, and money that you’ve poured into those nieces and nephews. Some would say it’s actually a badge of honor and not a badge of shame. It’s an honor to be childfree, carefree, and childless because you get to pour into their lives, to make a difference, to encourage them, to nurture them, and, most importantly, to show them a whole lot of love. 

It takes a lot of heart to be an aunt or uncle.  So why hate those who are childfree? Simply put, some haters are not at peace with themselves and are envious.  Proverbs 14:30 says “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”  But here is one thing to consider: if you rearrange the letters in the word hater, you actually get the word heart. Now you can choose to be a hater.   Or you can rearrange what’s in your life and be led by your heart and not envy. It’s a waste of time to be a hater. It’s more fun, you get more things done, and you have a more fulfilling life when you have heart. 

Celebrate National Aunt and Uncle Day July 26^th!    Join me at the Dock Bookshop in Fort Worth for a special celebration for aunts and uncles on Saturday, July 18^th 5 pm – 7 pm.     For more information, call 972-533-3543.

Shewanda Riley (Aunt Wanda), PhD, is a Fort Worth-based author of “Love Hangover: Moving from Pain to Purpose After a Relationship Ends” and “Writing to the Beat of God’s Heart: A Book of Prayers for Writers.”   Email her at preservedbypurpose@gmail.com or follow her on Instagram @shewandawrites.   Visit her website www.chocolateauntiepodcast.com.   You can also listen to more of her exploration of the childfree ”Badge of Shame” on her podcast “The Chocolate Auntie Podcast” on the Alive Podcast network at  www.alivepodcastnetwork.com.